. fantasies .




My dear friend,

After your comment this morning on . Sun . I looked through your newest works. I read (unnamed.dA.artist; ffs *sigh* another block in store I'm sure)’s comments on the poetry; I wanted to comment, myself, but refrained … he has a marvelous memory and ability to weave such (to me) exciting yet meaningless drivel. I’d been afraid that I’d just make a horrid scene of deconstructing each phrase that he placed. *shrug*

Your words … I wonder what it is in this mechanical off-kilter universe that pushes my own circles so close, in feeling, to your own. I wish I had some understanding of “WTF”; but I’m not going to drag out my horrors … I’ve been told so many times of recent that I need to “move on” “get ovah it” “stop whining” “accept and move on” and every other (piece.of.shit) advice that’s been blathered for eons. I know that they care about me when they mouth the airs; I know they are bored to TEARS and want to step out into a hallway and scream to release their frustration … and I know that it serves neither my welfare or survival of self to keep droning on.

So I’m not gonna pass on the crap that is being shoveled my way.


My friend, god how lovely you are … (where the HELL did that come from) … oh yeah, I know where … LOL! I was looking through the collected incoming “messages” on dA, the links to new stuff on people and groups that I watch; and there was this poem that I really enjoyed so I read it, enjoyed the hell outta it, and went to favorite and got the cursed-by-another pop-up window [You cannot favorite this work, you have been blocked by the artist.]

I was stunned for a moment, because I didn’t remember ever insulting her work …. But then ROFL I did recall that tumble she and I took about a year and a half ago. *shrug once again* I’m gonna stick the link in here to let you see the work and just enjoy it and the specific point of it … that’s where the compliment sprang from (sigh).

Mature Content

Compliments … we learn so quickly about the potential for dishonesty, about the effects of infatuation, and the smooth frictionless glottal stops of wetted desire. Hell, honesty … I don’t expect Truth but long for someone that holds me to make the god damned effort to be honest. I don’t (*eyeroll* @ my slight dishonesty here) starve for ego stroking, not even when there are fingers in me.

You … I do not think that your friend will take advantage of you, and if what occurs might be cast as that or perceived as such, I know that YOU are self aware … I don’t give a fuck thrown at a rolling hoop what it is that others have engineered. I went to Romania KNOWING what it was that was the likely primary plan at hand … facing my facts … I just wanted the illusions and touches and heated skin next to me. My own circle of desire will always end as it has in the past … lol … call me unrecoverable. I’ve thought of you and I together as well … I wouldn’t wish me on my worst as-yet-unknown enemy my friend … I love you with such complexity; and that is so easily created and kept alive (thriving? *God another shrug*) without the introduction of my broken parts and defective perceptions. The sex text dream lust drooling mouth twitching fingers hushed moans part of it is there, yes … always there; but being near to you … here … or somewhere else (?) as a quasi-participant (?) a confidant … your friend always at every moment of each day and night …

that is honesty.

I’ll always, or as long as I tick along, be *stares around, takes quick blinking visuals of the white of the screen paper, the walls, the dim lighting, the overflowing bowl as ashtray* here for you, France, Romania, LA, along the Bay or laying on the sand, DC, mountain sides in VA, walking a street, online in a library, stuffing my face with the cheapest carb load I can lay my paws on … there are parts of you in me now … I’ll always be there/here for you.

24 … wow … two years of us as friends … I’m sitting and thinking of the event-load (things that have happened) to the two of us in that time. Fucking stunning, LOL! Thank you for every moment … (pulls you close and kisses you deep) …


. mnemonic trick .

associated small bits to link to wholes
ease of recollection
for facts and histories
for tests and mechanical operations

a bit of ash on a table top
pulls single smiles and shape of mouth
a snap of a lighter
draws me up, and out, and all the good
and small bits of the bad
take flight within my heart

tailor this studied and brain graced trick
to keep the best parts of it
balanced with careful clips
of what went wrong with it

© Amanda  2014 … for you and I


I’m gonna close this crap rant and sniveling note and try to find where the fuck I put my wallet … I’m eying the reeking trash bag and HOPING that I, while stoned, dropped it into that … *ugh™*

Hope yes, desire yes, love yes … Kiri (spirit.gurl) links me alla time to quotes and bullshit TubeYou™ stuff … yesterday she was tossing things from the work of a particular author/cinematographer …

this one bit … deep and has its teeth forever in me now …

I love you girl, take care in your travels … but always, always, have hopes …

Mandy


Image: "One." by © 2013